Incline my heart...

[began writing at 5:30am] 

It’s almost 6:00am on the second day of this 99-Day Novena and already the Lord has presented me with a most spectacular assemblage of graces and challenges. I don’t know how its been going for you so far… but I can tell that the next 98 days are going to be interesting.

I won’t go into detail about how wonderful the last 24 hours have been, but one of the many beautiful things that happened yesterday was that I received, in the mail, a generous donation accompanied by a letter, written by a woman who probably had no idea how much I needed to read what she wrote. I am so thankful for her generosity in helping me with my debt, but more than that I will be eternally grateful for her words. She wrote to me about her appreciation for my pursuit of religious life and gave me her prayer requests. But she wrote something that struck me intensely, “It is not an easy life you are choosing and even if you decide it’s not for you, you still gain as you will have had wonderful experiences and me wonderful people and gained many graces.” I cannot deny that this sentence has touched my heart profoundly.  

So much has been going through my mind lately. Spending the majority of my time focusing attention on fundraising and whether or not I will have my loans paid off in time for the Feast of St. Augustine, (not really worried, per se, for I know that I will be ready to enter at the time the Lord has appointed for me to enter… but really just focusing on how I can best do the Lord’s will so that He can accomplish this through my efforts in the world), has left me somewhat hesitant to write about my own personal discernment and where I am in that, at this point. But I feel I do owe it to you, my friends, to let you know how greatly appreciative I was to read of this woman’s compassion for me and people like me, regardless of what may happen in the future.

You see my friends, my heart is inclined, more and more each day, to doing the will of God – whatever that may be. When God says, “Jump” I do not wish to ask, “How high?” … for that is irrelevant. He has commanded me to jump, and I will jump – how high is of no consequence at all and I know that I will ascend only as high as is fitting to His desires. I only wish to be consumed by His love and to be a vessel He uses to shower this love upon others. Right now I feel called to enter the Bethlehem Priory of St. Joseph and stay there until He calls me Home, offering my life and prayers for the world without the limitations of any specific region or district – to which my Gospel-spreading-efforts would likely be confined if I were called to remain in the world. Right now I feel called to pursue a life that benefits man beyond these limitations. I desire for my efforts to spread throughout the whole world through my separation from it and pursuit of perfecting my prayers from the solitude of the monastery, so that they can be offered more purely for the salvation of souls.

But my friends, while I do recognize this passion in my heart and have a fervent desire to enter religious life right now, I would be doing you a disservice if I, for one second, presumed to know the will of God, and whether it is His intention for me to remain permanently at the Bethlehem Priory of St. Joseph. Through all our good intentions we must be prudent, and so I must admit to you that for the rest of my life I must be absolutely open to His will – which calls for my continued discernment and openness to the possibility that He may someday call me out of that particular community - possibly to a different one, or possibly out of religious life altogether. The thought of this is more than slightly unnerving, (which is where trust comes in and perseverance is needed more than ever to maintain peace of the heart), for at the present time I feel a great call to detach from the world and pursue great union with God – that the presence of His Son might increase in my heart and He may use me to win souls. But if I am to be a good and faithful servant, I must also remain aware that there are some whom He calls to live a life of detachment and solitude for only a time – to grow in holiness so that they may bring the Love they have discovered back out into the world. Through the increasing generosity of young people these days, vocations to the priesthood and religious life have been growing and many have entered over the last decade or so. But out of the many there are a number who have spent their time growing in perfection with the Lord for as long as He wished, and then responded to His call for them to leave their respective communities and carry Christ, who has settled in their hearts and developed His home in the depths of their souls, back out into their ministries and families outside of religious life. 

"Many are called, but few are chosen..."

This is a very real possibility and I must remain honest and open about it. Up until now I have been very careful not to convey any doubt that my vocation is to aid in the sanctification of souls through entering the Order of Premontre, for it is quite true that I do not have one ounce of doubt that the Lord is calling me to enter. But I must now protect your heart by acknowledging that He may someday call me out of the Order and back into the world before I take my final vows. Should that be His will, my hope is that you would view me as never having deceived you by stating that I know it is His will for me to become a solemnly professed canoness. Do I believe in my heart that that is His will? Yes, I very much do. And I pray for perseverance through whatever trials He may present me with on my journey to become His bride, if that is truly His will. But if it is not, I pray for understanding. Both on my part and the part of all you generous people who have helped me thus far.

Please understand how hard it is for me to write these things, my brothers and sisters. I know it may hinder my efforts to raise money. But I felt called today to be as honest and open with you as possible, and you must know that I strive to respond to God’s desire for every moment of my life. Needless to say, I was deeply impacted by the woman's letter and felt it was God giving me permission to write about these things with honesty, and plead for your continued generosity in helping me pursue religious life, understanding that you are supporting my discernment, which at the present time is leading me to strongly wish to respond to the Lord's desire that I enter. For the peace of my own heart I am very thankful that many of those who have donated rather substantial amounts to Litany Run, have themselves gone through periods of discerning religious life at one point or another - and so I am thankful that they have some level of understanding and compassion for these things I have written. I must admit that it is a relief to write them. It is my prayer that everyone who has supported me thus far does not now, nor will ever feel misled in any way as to my true and honest intentions. For now, I press on in the pursuit of entering my vocation in August, giving my whole life to God and remaining in the monastery for the rest of my days. Please pray through the intercession of our Blessed Mother, for the conversion of sinners beginning with me, and that young people may desire to pursue their vocations to sainthood with eagerness and a quiet, humble desperation worthy of the Lamb.