As my entrance date gets closer I find myself being asked
more and more frequently, “Are you SURE?” …which is usually followed
immediately by a list of reasons it would be better for me to stay in the
world. I often speak/write of being “in the world,” so I suppose one might
consider the opposite of that as… not being in the world? Being out of the world? Leaving the
world? I’m not quite sure. But allow me to clarify something, brothers and sisters:
not for a single moment have I experienced any sort of delusion where I think I
will actually be stepping into some
other state of existence separate from the world in which I currently
live. I don’t at all think that my
worldly responsibilities will cease to exist once I enter the cloister. Quite
the opposite in fact – those called to contemplative life recognize their
responsibility to respond to the Lord’s command for us to evangelize the
nations, magnified to a higher degree than that with which even the most
impassioned and active disciples may be comfortable. It this arrogance? Perhaps. But there is no denying how clearly Jesus told Martha that Mary had chosen the better part.
Stepping into the cloister does not cut us off from the
world, but rather allows us to experience and penetrate the world in ways that, due to
the many distractions and temptations of everyday life, simply are not possible
until we are able to truly commit our
every waking moment to doing the will of God. You see, my brothers and sisters,
I know that I am called to the cloister because here, in the world outside its
walls, even my greatest and most sincere attempts to give Him glory in all
things become occasions for a sin – from which I cannot but surrender that I am a
lost and desperate child in need of protection which can only be provided by
those older, wiser women who have spent years seeking nothing by unity with God
– the sin of pride. Allow me to give you an example.
Yesterday evening, I had every intention of spending a quiet Sunday night at home, with a book that has been giving me the evil eye from the
corner of my bookshelf for some time. However it was the final evening of my
home parish’s annual summer festival, and I figured it would be good to go and
spend the evening with the community instead. I ended up sitting under a canopy
with various young adults and, for about two hours, talking with a handful of
different people about our call to holiness, Pope Francis’ encouragement of
missionary zeal, and our responsibility as young people to educate children, so
that they grow up with hearts on fire for the Lord! Most of these were people
who have never really left home or seen much of the world like I have been
blessed to do. They had questions when I would start to speak about holiness
and our common vocation to become saints. Mostly they just seemed delighted to
have someone to whom they could pour their hearts out about their desire to
please God, and to live as true Christians! It was wonderful and exciting to
discover that there are more vocations soon to come out of my home parish –
while it has been dry for at least 20 years to the best of my knowledge…
It was an extraordinarily action-packed evening of holy
conversations, and I was happy for the opportunity to share with other young
people and support their desire to grow in virtue, in the service of our Lord.
There is a hope that as been building in our generation. It’s exciting and
reassuring to know that while I will be doing my part in evangelization through
prayer from inside the cloister, there are others who will be at the frontlines
of the battlefield out here “in the world” who are becoming awesome
missionaries, catechists, active sisters, priests, husbands, wives, teachers,
doctors, gardeners, janitors… everything and anything for the greater glory of
God! But you see the problem with these wonderful and holy conversations was
that, even for very brief moments, I experienced temptation (which is actually a good thing to experience since it gives us opportunities to grow in virtue... but if one can avoid temptation, one should). Through
recognizing the gifts God has given me to communicate with people, it is easy
to slip into wondering what kind of great things I could do to further the New
Evangelization outside the cloister. To wonder what a great good I
could do to help young people grow in fellowship and discipleship. To think
about my experience as a teacher and a speaker and flatter myself, that I have
been given the ability to gain attention. And then so quickly to slip into
thinking that these people need me. That if I leave – who will there be left to
listen to their desires for holiness and give them moral support, and encourage
them to keep responding to God’s call?
But there you see… how easily it becomes about me. How even
through a noble cause – the desire to further the kingdom of God – so quickly I
fall into pride. Because the truth is that yes, at that precise moment in time
(last night) those people did need me to be there to listen and encourage them.
But when the time comes for me to leave, if it is God’s will, then they will
not need me any more after that. Not to sit there and listen to them anyway. If
they need someone to encourage them, God will provide someone else. If there is
a young man discerning the missionary life and needs to hear from an
experienced missionary, God will provide it – he won’t need me (not that I know
much about missionary work to begin with). If there is a young woman discerning
religious life who needs advice, God will show her where to go – she won’t
need me. If there is a whole group of young adults who need fellowship and
truly want it for the Glory of God – God will move their hearts to make it
happen, they won’t need me to show them how. If there is a person who is newly
interested in learning about TOTB, God will provide them with the right
resources – they won’t need me. There will always be someone better and more fully
equipped to evangelize the culture more effectively. For God orders all things
perfectly according to His will.
It is in recognizing my tendency toward pride that I
acknowledge, more and more everyday, how the Lord is asking me to sacrifice
even the joys that I experience in seeing the fruits of my labor for Him – and
to instead seek higher counsel from those noble and learned women who have come
to know Him in the way that He is calling me to know Him. He asks me to
surrender even all of the potential I have to do good works for him in the
culture – so that He can fulfill His purpose for me from inside the cloister. What that purpose it... I have no clue. What I know is that I cannot go around pretending that I think my good works are more fruitful than God's answers to my prayers. He has made it clear that my best work is done in meditation, and so I cannot but continue further down this road.
What I do know about “leaving the world” is that it usually
involves dying. Most people will be blessed to carry out His will for them on
earth and then begin their new life once their hearts stop beating and their
minds go dark. But some of us are called to begin our new lives while our
bodies are still very much functioning! And so He requires us to die to the
world, and to ourselves, through leaving all things familiar, in pursuit of
holiness and true unity with Him. Only when we are able to sacrifice the joys
of the world can we be free to let Him stop our hearts, which beat with love
for the vanities of life, and replace them with new hearts which beat with love
for nothing but Him. Only when we allow Him to remove us from all
distractions can we be free to let Him darken our minds to every idea not
directed toward Him, and to fill our brains with such brilliance that every thought is founded on the splendor or Divinity.
For my part, He has called me to this greatest role in all
of it. Am I sure? Well… I am sure that He is offering me the chance to be
reconciled in a way that not all are privileged to be offered. How can I
refuse?
Ecclesiastes 1: 11 Then I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and
on the labour that I had labored to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun.
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